Nurturing Connection in a Time of Physical Distancing
“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men.” — Herman Melville
“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men.”
— Herman Melville
Community and connection matter to all of us. Humans have evolved as fundamentally social animals. Being connected with others and “in community” helps us feel good. The current lockdowns, shelter in place orders, and physical distancing recommendations are at odds with a basic human need.
I am confident that our experiences battling COVID-19 will be a launching pad for a new era of vertical social communities, both around our personal and career identities. These new communities will combine virtual and “in real life” interactions plus broadcast, small group and 1:1 exchanges. And most importantly, be a place for safe, authentic and meaningful conversations.
Think about your life only a month or two ago. There were a lot of different communities with in-person interactions that defined your days and weeks. Different communities you may have participated in, to name just a few, included: (i) Work, (ii) School/University, (iii) Gym or yoga studio, (iv) Youth or adult sports leagues, (v) Places of worship, (vi) Book clubs or gatherings to play cards, and (vii) Your “local” pub or coffee shop.
In the last few weeks, most of us have had to forgo these interactions or replace these location-based communities with digital interactions over Zoom, FaceTime, and Hangouts. Zoom is the #1 downloaded app in both the Android Play and iTunes app stores and Hangouts is in the top 10.
Digital social media usage is now new — it has been growing for almost two decades now. LinkedIn launched in late 2003 and Facebook in early 2004. Beyond Facebook and LinkedIn, other social networks which function as “quasi-universal” communities include YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Pinterest, WhatsApp, WeChat, Reddit and most recently TikTok. The average social media user spends over 2 ½ hours per day among all these platforms, up over 60% from a decade ago.
Because these social networks are universal and free, the primary goal through usage has been to build individual social capital — # of connections or followers, friends, likes, replies, comments and other interactions. In a review of the newly released book The Elephant in the Brain (by Kevin Simler and Robin Hanson), Julian Lehr does a great job of explaining the human need for signaling and how it manifests in the use of social media.
We have been encouraged to express our personal identity on FB, Instagram and Snapchat. And our professional identity on LinkedIn and Twitter. Each of these networks is broad as their core function is to extend the reach of our “signaling behavior” as widely as possible. While a “group” functionality does exist, it was never the core use case for these social networks and as result the design is not optimized. Our existing universal social networks are well suited for being reminded of birthdays, congratulating people on promotions and big life events (graduations, weddings etc.), letting everyone know where you are (vacations, concerts, etc.) and for public relations (e.g. new job announcements, announcing social causes). Existing social networks mostly fail at building the depth we hope to find in community.
It is sadly ironic that a huge challenge in modern life, amidst all this digital “communication”, is loneliness. The length of our virtual feeds and breadth of our digital connections (i.e. quantity) does not substitute for deep, connected human interaction (i.e. quality). The damaging impacts of loneliness extend beyond emotional upheaval and influence physical health. The linkage between loneliness and bad health outcomes was first documented by John Caciopo in his book Loneliness published in 2008.
Dr. Vivek Murthy, the Surgeon General during the Obama Administration, is releasing a book entitled “Together” with the subtitle, “The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World.” In a recent interview with Forbes, Dr. Murthy called loneliness an epidemic with the health impact being equal to smoking 15 cigarettes per day.
We all need support in difficult times. And even if we are not ill, COVID-19 has created difficult times. For many it has increased social isolation and feelings of loneliness.
Not surprisingly, one noticeable trend is an increasing number of phone conversations even for those who grew up preferring asynchronous communication such as text, IM, and Snapchat. Real-time phone conversations can be enhanced by video, not necessarily to see each other the whole time, but to enhance the feeling of being together. The CEO of Verizon recently told a CNBC host that the volume of phone calls is currently double the amount on a typical Mother’s Day which is the busiest phone call day of the year. And, he noted, the average call is lasting longer.
How can we be distant and still be in community?
We all know that when we see someone yawn or smile at us, we instinctively mimic that behavior. This ability to indirectly influence others extends to ideas, emotional states and physical behaviors — both positive and negative. Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler wrote in Connected published in 2009 about the finding from a decade of research on the power of social networks. They found that through our social connections we can influence and be influenced by not just our friends and but their friends even if we never meet them.
So, let’s do good with this hidden power we all have.
Reach out to people whom you’ve had interesting times with in the past but not connected in a while. See if you can offer them support or help. Even if the first connection is via email, text or IM, offer to have a phone conversation. They’ll certainly appreciate being thought of. And that act of yours is likely to multiply.
If asked how you are feeling, be authentic and share something real. Being the first person to share, while often intimidating and risky, can take a lot of pressure off the other person. Modelling vulnerability allows others to speak from the heart. Often people feel better by simply sharing their feelings and realizing that they are not alone.
In the closing to his 2010 TED Talk, Nicholas Christakis said, “I think we form social networks because the benefits of a connected life outweigh the costs….I think, in fact, that if we realized how valuable social networks are, we’d spend a lot more time nourishing them and sustaining them, because I think social networks are fundamentally related to goodness. And what I think the world needs now is more connections.”
I have been inspired to think about how we can create more inclusive and authentic communities. The forced changes to the previously accepted rhythms of daily lives during COVID-19 can be a catalyst for positive change. While I am not predicting the demise of the Facebook or Google social network ecosystems, I do believe the diversity of our social interactions will increase over the coming decade. This is an opportunity for us to combine the best of human interactions with the power technology to improve our emotional and physical health while creating a more united world.